A Dear John letter to the bank on the corner

Dear John,

It’s time to move on.  We’ve seen the signs for a while now, but there is just no reason to continue dragging this out.  We are finished.

First of all, your co-dependency is just out of control.  I signed up for online banking for a reason.  I should be able to make a transfer online without you needing to call me to make sure I actually want to transfer that money.  I did it online because I didn’t want to have to call you every month when the money needs to be transferred.  That’s kind of the point of online banking.  (And it should be noted that when I say “I” I am referring to my husband since I can’t actually do anything at the bank without him being present.  I am a woman after all, even though it’s a joint account.)

You are also delusional.  You aren’t confident in the security of your online banking (hence the numerous phone calls required to complete a transaction online) and yet that somehow means that your security system is much “better than all the other banks.”  Nope.  Sorry.

Then there is the issue of boundaries.  We shouldn’t have to share everything with you.  Now I do understand that the American government is requiring you to keep tabs on all of its citizens.  Fine.  As much as we don’t like it, we will give you the information our government demands.  But you want more information “just in case.”  I really don’t think it is any of your business what other accounts, bonds, stocks, etc we have, nor do you really need to know how much money we have in them.  Really.  Even in a country where it is totally normal to ask a stranger how much they make or how expensive their apartment is, you are still crossing the line.

It’s true, we’ve been working on the relationship for the past five years despite all these issues.  But we just can’t get over how, well, expensive you are.  Your fees are ridiculous.  And honestly – call me shallow if you want – but it’s all about the money.  So this is it, this is good-bye, we are through.

It’s not me, it’s you.

A new and happy customer of your competition down the road



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